31 December.... "out with the old, in with the new" "this is going to be my best year yet" "new year new opportunities" "#let's do this 2022!" Warning: For the next 12-24 hours (longer if you are an immigrant like me), familiar old cliches come to visit in the form of well wishes and optimism that is thrown around like confetti. This will take the shape of well wishes either from others to us, or from others to themselves and we can expect see these online, or hear it in person. The socially acceptable response is to reciprocate.. But what if.. What if you do not hold the same sentiment? What if you do not share the same optimism? What if this has never worked for you in the past and you just can not muster the same joyous excitement that seems to be buzzing through every post, every store and every person you come across? What if you do not have the "New Year Sparkle" ?! The reality is not everyone does, and if this year it happens to be you, that is okay. You may have had a trying year filled with loss, change and adversity. You may have had a year that you simply tried to survive as best you can, and actually dread having to rinse, repeat and do it all over again. The reality is you are not alone. So what do I do? I hear you say. You brace yourself - knowing what is coming prepares us for how to respond. How this looks like for you may be different to how it looks like for someone else. It may include:
Taking time out from social media for the next 12-24 hours if you know you will be affected by posts of these sentiments.
Making a quick and curteous post to wish others a Happy New Year before you exit stage left and take time out from social media for the next 12-24 hours. *Disclaimer - I am not big on avoidance so we will call this taking time out from unnecessary exposure.
Doing the shopping really early whilst everyone else is still rubbing the sleep from their eyes.
Responding with a polite "And a Happy New Year to you" or "Hope you have a good one" or even just "Thank you" when these well wishes are received. If you do not want to type the same message multiple times here's a life hack : have a draft in your notes on your phone, copy + paste - minimum effort, same notion.
Responding with "I don't participate in resolutions for undisclosed reasons (I'd insert humour here - i.e. "the last person I told had an ill fate fall upon them and is still locked in a padded room"....as a therapist I get away with these kinds of comments ;) )
You remind yourself "normal" is a social construct. The definition of normal is literally "to conform to a standard (usual, typical or expected)". You don't have to be normal. Be you. Of all the times in the year, this is the time to be unapologetically you and no one can hold that against you, as per their social media posts!
In this context, to be you will also require you to be kind to you(rself). Again for different people this may look like different things.
Eating some of your favourite food
Going for a walk
Having a warm bath
Attending a New Year's party for one (or two) in your pyjamas in your lounge!
Finally, focus on what is in your control.
I've completed the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory (SRRS), which is considered empirically valid and reliable, for 'funsies' as my teens would say. Any score above 300 raises the odds of getting a stress induced illness in the next two years by 80%. Let's just say following writing this blog I will be stocking up on Vitamin B, C and D! Here is what stood out for me. None of the events on that scale was in my control and not even all of the adverse events I faced in the past year was on that scale!! (It certainly did not provide a pandemic response score)
Realistically very few things are in our control. Some therapists will argue thoughts, feelings and behaviours are - I tend to lean more towards: behaviour is, thoughts to some extent (mine are very quick!) and feelings not so much but can be influenced to some extent by controlling my behaviour. I can't control the New Year - the celebratory day is going to come and go, and the next 364 days will bring whatever it is that they are going to bring. I can't control how people are feeling about it or how they choose to celebrate it - that is going to happen - GLOBALLY. BUT I can control how I respond. Towards myself, Towards my loved ones,
Towards what comes my way, Towards others.
By focussing on what I value most. By being compassionate towards myself. And by aligning my response with these two thnings.
If you are going to end or start anywhere today, do so with something that is in your control, even if it is just being kind to yourself, or doing something that aligns with your values, and try to put that on rinse and repeat for the next 364 days.
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