"I think we need to go and see a relationship counsellor" .....crickets....... This sentence is the second most dreaded sentence in a relationship, surpassed only by "It's over", and the usually also precede and signal the impending death of a relationship for many people. On average couples wait around 7 years after they start experiencing conflict and challenges in their relationships to seek counselling and therapy, and even then the relationship and counselling takes a backseat to careers, family, social relationships and other responsibilities. By the time one partner in a relationship suggests seeing a counsellor, things have usually already reached a point where the two people involved in the relationship can't navigate their way back to each other without feeling vulnerable or unsafe even. The challenge lies not in providing a space where we can work through conflict, improve communication and reconnect with our partners as much as it does in having two people equally invested and willing to reflect and do some introspection. More often than not when it reaches this point, one partner already feels like they have done everything they could, or that they have simply had enough, and when this is the case we often find that one partner does not want to attend relationship therapy, whilst the other is desperate to get the necessary support to 'save' the relationship. It is often quite common for only one partner to want to attend relationship counselling. So what is one to do when a partner does not want to attend relationship counselling? First of all do not force your partner in any way shape or form to attend relationship counselling. If your partner attends because of a threat or ultimatum or because some form of emotional coercion took place, I can guarantee you that you are setting not only yourselves but your therapist up to fail. No good has ever come from someone doing something against their will. Talk about the benefits of attending relationship counselling - benefits that include learning how to reconnect, understanding each other better, managing conflict differently to how it is currently being managed and learning to communicate and listen to each other more effectively. Talk about what you would like to achieve by attending couples therapy together. If this involves 'fixing' your partner, you probably should not be attending couples therapy. If after this your partner is still not supportive of attending relationship therapy, it doesn't mean all is lost, you may wish to seek therapy for yourself still. "Relationship therapy for myself? " Yes and no. The difference generally speaking between individual and relationship counselling is not just the headcount, but also the focus of counselling and therapeutic goals. Individual therapy is very much focussed on the individual - beliefs, experiences, attachment, family of origin and how these along with our thoughts and feelings impact on our behaviour and so on. Insight becomes the key driver for change in the self. Relationship counselling views elements of these things in context of an intimate relationship along with observable connections and patterns of interaction between partners. Seeing a counsellor by yourself when you are the only person in the relationship interested in seeking support can be very beneficial, even for the relationship, if the focus of the sessions involve being the kind of partner you would like to be in the relationship. This may look like you working listening empathically, or being respectfully assertive. It may include learning to deal with conflict better by responding vs reacting to your partner, and it may come down to identifying whether this relationship is the kind of relationship you may want to continue to invest in.
Research conducted by the University of Denver found in a longitudinal study with long term couples improvements were experienced as much by those couples where only one person received relationship skills training as by those couples who attended as a couple together. Both approaches have pro's and cons, and the approach you take will largely depend on your partner's openness and willingness to attend counselling, however the good news is that you do not need your partner to attend counselling with you to find a resolve to what you are experiencing in the relationship.
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