As with the pandemic this one also does not only affect us, but our children as well. They too have access to social media and are being bombarded with distressing images, or memes predicting imminent doom, and even if they don't their peers do, and are likely talking about it. Children can respond very differently to what is happening in the world around them. They might feel:
anxious
worried
scared
sad
helpless
confused
angry
hopeless
In younger children this may present as:
nightmares
not wanting to be without you
tearfulness
being more sensitive than usual
outbursts (angry/sad)
withdrawing and becoming really quiet
asking a lot of questions
In teens you may see:
becoming more argumentative
losing motivation
becoming withdrawn
emotional ups and downs
obvious attempts at distraction (playing games, listening to music or really focussing on
what is going on and seeking out information)
wanting to talk about what is going on - making sense of their world, is a big milestone of adolescence.
But HOW do we support our children who are currently exposed to news about the war right on the tail of a global pandemic (amidst floods - in my part of the world)?! Connect, connect, connect In times of uncertainty connection is really important. It reminds us we are not alone, and provides a sense of safety. Connection looks different for every child and every age group. Younger children may need more hugs, or physical contact. If they are not a fan of physical contact, some quality time away from what is happening focussing on something important to them in their world. Teenagers may need reassuring hugs or physical contact and if your teen is too cool and too old for that simply sitting with them and being available speaks volumes.
Acknowledge their feelings Whatever your child is feeling, they need to be reassured that it is completely normal - because ALL feelings are normal ALWAYS. I feel what I feel and that is mine - it does not need to make sense to anyone else to matter to me, and the same goes for our children. Invalidating your child's feelings by dismissing them or avoiding them because you are feeling triggered can have negative and unwanted consequences. Keep the communication channels open It is not uncommon for children to speak of what is on their minds during connection, or when they start to feel safe. This is a good thing and not the time to freak out. Meet your child where they are at. First of all, figure out what it is they know or think they know, as well as the source of information - news, social media, peers, etc. Don't listen with the goal to correct and reassure. Listen with intent, and curiosity. Listen to hear what it is that they are feeling and what they may need. Younger children may need to only hear that even though scary things are happening mom and/or dad will always be there and always protecting them.
Model calm and provide reassurance, but not false reassurance - especially to teens as they very well know "the adults are working hard to resolve this" is not entirely true. Meet your child at their developmental level and provide enough information to acknowledge what they are feeling whilst providing hope for the future. What is happening now has happened before (WW I, WW II all the other wars in-between), humanity has always found a way and kindness has always prevailed despite the disaster and loss that was experienced at the time. Discuss some of the good news in the world as well. Point out some of the 'feel good stories' (We all need to go look a little harder for those at the moment, but they are out there). It could be a good catalyst to discuss values with teens and refocus them on things in their control. Whilst they may not be able to stop the war, there may be other ways they could make a difference in the world (like writing notes of hope for the mailboxes in the local community). Limit Exposure and Encourage Re-FOCUS Try to be present when they are watching or listening to the news, or better yet, switch off together. It is a good time to role model calm, and practicing focussing on 'what is in my control'. In part 1 we looked at the things in our control and out of our control - switching off is in my control. Refocussing on what I can do and how I can align with my values at this time is in my control. Younger children (and teens sometimes) may need some help to refocus and it may look different for everyone but could be something like suggesting a distraction (playing a game) or something that brings hope, joy, or connection. Doing these things helps us accept our limits and teaches our kids and teens about accepting theirs. Most importantly it cuts through the isolation and reminds them they are not alone in this currently big and scary world. As a final reminderfor you, momma (or dad), you have got this! You may not be able to protect your precious child against this, but you are right there next to them and helping them grow resilience, helping them learn we can be afraid and still move forward, and helping them realise they matter in this moment and every moment. They will be better equipped in future to deal with fear and anxiety because they will know they have done it before, and they will know you will have them <3 Need someone to talk to right now? Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 Lifeline 13 11 14 * This is not a substitute for therapy. If you are still feeling lost and uncertain, contact us now to have a discussion and together we will figure it out!
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